Persistence of memory by Catterina Coha

I am finally able to spend some time on the blog. Sorry readers of mine for the long absence but I have been quite busy on the professional side enjoying the new adventure at Refuge Biotechnologies in California. Sometimes, I will tell you more about it but for now, let’s go back to fiction with the first part of this story by Catterina Coha…

 

Babies by David Cerny – Photo by Catterina Coha

1. Object permanence

It was the first clear day in late April after a couple of weeks of almost constant rain. The window of my son’s bedroom faces west and since we live on River-side avenue, near the corner with 145^th street, the view is open over the Hudson river and the mellow light of the sunset was basking the room.  The five month-old lying in the crib was delighted with the soft yellow rabbit with long years, easy to grab by a developing human still struggling to master his motor coordination. In a failed attempt to pull the rabbit towards himself he ended up pushing it on the floor. A loud cry came out of his little mouth, and his eyes were wide open with an expression of surprise and sorrow that seemed to ask “Why did the rabbit disappear?” Being a professional psychologist, I could not help it but observe my son to see if he was making an attempt to look for the toy. He didn’t, leading me to conclude that he did not understand yet that objects exist even when out of sight.

I was aware that my wife resented it when I treated my home as if it was my office, and my family as if they were my patients.  I stopped analyzing the baby when I heard her steps down the hallway, because she was very perceptive towards my shortcomings, which escalated my irritation.  She paid me no attention and rushed to hug the baby, and settle down to breastfeed him.  I walked out of the room relieved that I could have a bit of time to myself.

While I was warming some leftovers in the microwave and opening a beer I started to think about the man I had seen in my office that day. It was not clear to me if he was truly seeking help or just trying to validate his preconceived idea that he could not change. I had overheated the food, so I had to wait to avoid burning my tongue. My mind was running in circles, going nowhere, until suddenly I realized that there was a funny similarity between my son and this man.

“Object permanence means knowing that an object still exists, even if it is hidden. It requires the ability to form a mental representation of the object”

Why this grown man would have the same problem as a baby? The thought made me smile.  While sipping my beer I went over our conversation.

“Good morning doc, I am Jeremy. No need for formalities, please just call me Jeremy”

He was a tall mature man in good physical shape with a confident demeanor and casual sophistication in his manners. It was clear that he was well educated. His joviality was almost excessive, a common behavior for people who feel uncomfortable with the idea of going to a “shrink”.  I let him run the show for the first few minutes, to give him the opportunity to define his territory and get an idea about his persona. After some casual conversation about the horrible New York’s traffic, the trouble of getting a cab during rush hours, and the great Yankees game last Sunday, I looked at him with a smile and invited him to tell me his story.  I deliberately avoided asking about “his problem”, I knew it would be a term eliciting a defensive response. The strategy worked, and we started to talk like old friends meeting at the bar after work. The story that follows is as accurate as my recollection of it can be.

 

1. A wonderful day in Las Vegas

Well, where should I start with my story? I guess I can say that I am a successful man, professionally, I mean. I lead a large group in the developmental program of a pharmaceutical company. I have a Ph.D. in biomedical sciences and a master in business, and I trained at Stanford. I have always been at the top of my class, and did not have any problems finding jobs, so I could actually help my parents financially when they needed it. I spent a few years doing research in academia, then I moved to industry and I can say that I am satisfied at my current position. Of course, the money is good, which always helps, but it is really the ability to steer the development of new drugs and have an impact on patients that motivates me. I like comfort, but I was raised in poverty, so I remain somewhat uncomfortable with luxury …I do not like waste, I am not greedy.

You would say that I am the type of guy a woman should like to settle down with and raise a family. I like kids and…. yes, I always thought that I would have my own family.  I was never concerned about finding the right mate, but now that I am getting older I start to doubt that it won’t ever happen.  This concern surfaced when my mother died two years ago. I started to feel that my life was empty.

I am not the type of guy who panics, of course. I decided to be rational about it, to do as I do in my work: look at the “available data” from my past relationships, identify the problem, and make plans to address it. This strategy should assure success, or at least it usually does in my professional life.  This is where I got lost. I do not usually need help analyzing the facts, but I guess analyzing yourself is not that easy, we probably lie to ourselves far more than we do to anybody else. This is why I am here.

To answer your question, what I learned by thinking about the problems in my past relationships is really concerning to me. But I do not want to bias your thinking by telling you what my interpretation is, I would rather just tell you the facts as they are.

I started my job with this Company in December, about fifteen years ago.  There was a young woman in another team to whom I was very attracted. Our interactions were professional, of course, until a Christmas party where we danced together. We started to talk and we could not stop. I felt happy.  I thought I was in love. She definitely was in love with me. She told me a thousand times. We spent weekends together, did many fun things, and after a few months we were planning to move in together.  But it never really happened. I was offered a promotion that I could not refuse, and that required me to move from San Diego to San Francisco.  She was sad, but sure that we could see each other often anyway. On our last weekend together we walked along the ocean, it was a perfect evening with the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen (you see, I do remember details!).  It was so romantic, and I was totally in the mood for dreaming and making promises that (now I realize) I could not keep.  I told her that we should get married, that it would make it easier for her to join me in San Francisco.  We made a vague plan to get married in the following few months, and I left.

I am not so good at communicating by email about personal things, and I do not like to talk on the phone.  This is just … the way I am.  I loved to talk to her when I could look at her in the eyes, or hold her hands. But the phone, it was so contrived, and I could not retrieve a mental image of her that would make me desire to call her.  She would call me, of course, looking for intimacy, I guess, hoping to feel my loving voice through the phone …but I mostly felt distant and eventually irritated by her frequent calls.  She was confused and, maybe, she was wounded.  She switched to emailing me instead, thinking this was a less intrusive way to communicate.  I largely ignored her emails. I would read them, but often did not make the effort to reply.  I was so busy in my new position, so totally absorbed in the work, that time went by and I did not miss her.

I am telling you this, about her being hurt I mean, because I realized it later.  At the time I was not thinking about it.  As I said, I was so busy that a few months passed and we did not see each other.  She wanted to come visit me, but I always had an excuse to justify why I was not available.  I could not think about her, I hardly remembered her face.  Then, one day, at a business meeting in Santa Monica I was looking at the podium and there she was, presenting some data.

I looked at her noticing that she was attractive. During the lunch she realized that I was there. She looked at me with inquisitive eyes, perhaps not knowing what to expect.  I felt the impulse to hug and kiss her, but it was not the right place. We agreed to meet after work was over, and went to walk along the beach. She wanted to talk, and ask questions, and understand, but I just kissed her and the rest of the night was, as you can imagine, wonderful. Every time she would go back to her questions I just smiled and kissed her….it became like a game, and the many important questions became pointless. Did I love her? How could she ask after my passionate lovemaking?

No, it was not just lust. I see your point, but I believe that I was honest, in the moment. I told her the truth, that I was really very busy, the work was intense and exciting. She thought that if she would make it easy for me, we could get married. It could be done during my business trip to Las Vegas, just an extra day. As you say, she was almost behaving like a kid who is afraid of losing a teddy bear and holds it tight …she could have had any man, she was beautiful and smart, and funny, but she was really in love.

Well…, here comes the worse part of this first story.  I myself do not know how to explain it.  A couple of months passed. I do not recall exactly my communications with her during that time. I asked my assistant to answer her questions about some details, but – I swear – I think that I somewhat forgot about the wedding plans. This is the only explanation. When I was leaving for Vegas my assistant gave me an envelope with a big smile on her face, but I did not open it.

I was there for two days and there were a lot of networking events organized by my Company. I met a fascinating woman and – do not recall much about her to be honest – but we had an affair. On the last day, after the work event ended, we were strolling around and I met Lauren – yes, finally, her name came to me! – she was dressed as a bride …she had been waiting for me for two hours at the place where we were supposed to get married.  She looked at me with an intensity I had never experienced, but her beautiful eyes were not full of love but pain and contempt.

Her intense look ……it came back to me in my dreams, for several months. I had never experienced such a depth of disappointment – reaching inside me all the way to my soul. She spoke almost no words but her eyes spoke for her with so many emotions. I did not know what to do, I felt powerless. I could not accept the responsibility for what happened – I had totally forgotten. So, I never tried to ask her for forgiveness, and never saw her again.  Because of my recurrent dream – that every time made me feel unsettled – I decided to seek the first opportunity to move to a different job in the East coast. I could not bear the idea of meeting her.

Yes, I suppose that you are right. Considering that I could not think about my commitment to Lauren when she wasn’t physically present I seem to remember these events in far greater details than you would expect, after so many years. In fact, after I moved to the East coast I never thought about Lauren or her eyes again.  I was comfortable with myself.  This entire story would not be so vivid if it wasn’t for a weird dream I had shortly after my mother died.  In the dream I saw my mother – she looked young, as when I was still a child – and she had Lauren’s eyes, looking at me with disappointment!

 

III. My true love

My wife entered the kitchen and looked at me:

“What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing, I mean, I was thinking about a patient I saw today. I know you do not want me to talk about work”

She shrugged and with quick and skilled movements prepared herself a milk shake with strawberries, mango, and a spoon of vanilla ice cream. After poring the fresh drink into a large glass, with a satisfied expression in her face she declared “Good for nursing, and tasty!”

Then, with a smile, she came closer, messed my hair with her free hand, and said in a loving and slightly mocking tone

“OK, I do not mind listening to your patient’s story, if it is not boring…but only if we can sit in the couch!”

After telling her Jeremy’s story I paused for a moment, and to check if she was still fully awake I asked her “So, what do you think?”

“Jeremy is a regular egocentric jerk, and Lauren was lucky she did not get stuck with him…”

“That is a little harsh” I protested

“Yes, you are right: Lauren was a bit pushy……she kind of got herself what she deserved. Who would want to get married in Vegas, anyway? And what would she gain by such marriage? Did she think it would make him more committed?” Briefly interrupted by yawning, she continued:

“Your Jeremy just cares about his own pride and never felt guilty. If he had felt an even tiny bit of affection for this woman, wouldn’t he want to know that she was fine, rather than running away?”

She sipped the last drop of her milk shake and with a thoughtful expression added

“Know what I think? Jeremy’s problem is that he feels guilty towards his own mother. Lauren is just a sort of trigger”

She paused for a couple of minutes and closed her eyes, just to reopen them with a visible struggle, and kissed me goodnight

“I am going to sleep.  My true love will wake up at 3 am hungry!”

I could not help it but feel a little jealous. Her true love? And what about me? Didn’t I mean anything anymore to her?

While brushing my teeth I realized the absurdity of my jealousy and felt slightly ashamed, but forgave myself on the reason of being already half asleep.