The dark side of the sun (Conclusion)

This is a continuation of “the dark side of the sun” as part of the novel “Tidal Lock“

I hope that you will enjoy

Lunch at Colamaio – Photo by Ena Wang, Pizzo, August 13 2021

Professor Federico, however, was not perfect and in fact he carried a momentous problem. He was an incoercible liar. Unbeknown to him, life had been an immense deceit that covered with jaunty optimism a desolate world of emptiness; a façade that covered his other dark side. Yet, his radiant smile had served well his daily routine, and made life, if not rewarding, at least tolerable.

The Professor was earnest in matters that affected others. He would not deceit for personal gain and his actions were as pure as spring water. He just could not be truthful to emotions. When honesty could lead to confrontation with parents, relatives, friends and most importantly his wife, he swerved towards broader topics. That worked well for his career, where he was respected for his constructive nonbelligerent demeanor. And it worked well with relatives and friends, who felt comfortable with someone who preferred not to challenge them. And it worked well with the wife.

Professor Federico and Signora Maria married when they were both too young and inexperienced. He was thrilled by her exotic background and professional ambitions. But he soon recognized that he had married a dream. After a few disagreements, rebuffed by condescendence and dismissal, he gave up arguing with a strong woman uninterested in others’ opinions and feelings; a woman that couldn’t interpret silence; a mind sternly certain that preferences were founded on granitic logic rather than subjective inclinations and, therefore, were not negotiable or amenable to challenge. As we said, this worked well save for the collateral damage of turning Professor Federico into a lone wolf that roamed as an invisible ghost the noisy avenues of the upper-class Milanese society.

Gradually he realized that choosing to put others’ preferences over his own aspirations was a path to unhappiness. But, instead of amending the cause, he tuned the effect by training the mouth to smile in front of the mirror as a testament to fulfillment. He reassured himself that better than spending Christmas with the aging parents, as a decent son would do, it was more reasonable to enjoy a vacation in a fancy resort in the Seychelles; that going to his sister’s commemorations, was not as crucial as taking his wife to the theater. Going to the stadium to watch a football game was not as constructive as spending the afternoon with the wife’s friends drinking tea and discussing the value of minimalistic painting. When his wife started a strict diet, furtively checking into the mirror the fit of the adherent cocktail dresses, when calls came frequently late in the evening, to which she answered with monosyllabic whispers before hanging and stating “they are driving me crazy at work nowadays”, when she came late and did not bother apologizing to the little girl, who stubbornly waited for supper, Professor Federico, considered how lucky he was to have such a wonderful girl as an addition to the family, and without questioning, he wished good appetite to everyone.

When occasionally during the night his conscience woke him like a buzzing mosquito, he shrugged his shoulders and scolded himself for indulging on afterthoughts of commiseration rather than gratitude for a fortunate existence.

With Giselle, however, Professor Federico felt differently, and while his manners reflected the deceiving temperament when dealing with the rest of the world, his mood quickly turned into a genuine and radiant demeanor encouraged by Giselle’s dark eyes that never blinked when looking straight into his. And he developed a paternal attitude. Without imposing himself as a father, he took upon himself to learn the art of parenthood following a trial-and-error tactic responsive to Lori’s benevolent criticisms.

***

As we said, such deception had worked perfectly for decades against the big world out there and, therefore, it came as a cold shower when, as they were walking on that memorable morning toward via Santa Redegonda to fetch Giselle’s favorite panzerotti at Luini’s, he heard a little voice questioning:

“Why are you always sad?”

To confirm the source of the voice, he looked down to catch Giselle big black eyes staring at him without flinching while the corrugate eyebrows firmly demanded an answer.

“I am not sad! I am the happiest person in all of Milan! What makes you think that I am sad?”

“Because you smile only with your mouth but not with your eyes.”

“I didn’t know that one ought to smile with the eyes too! The mouth is good enough! I am just trying to save energy. I guess.” replied the Professor while looking away.

“See, you do not even look at me when I ask you whether you are happy or not. You do that with everyone, when you are not happy, you do not look into people eyes!”.

Professor Federico was not prepared for such an inquisition and did not know what to say.

For a few moments he blabbered to himself: “I know”, which meant: “I know that I don’t know”. But then, he wondered: “what is that I don’t know that even a simple girl knows? And how do I know that I don’t know?” And he thought of the reflective mirror that had haunted him for decades wherever he went, because it spoke that there were hundreds of him, or thousands, who vaguely knew that they didn’t know. Thousands of him, who did not question life, perhaps they did not dare to know; did not dare to question what happiness was.

The little girl was still piercing his brain with the determined eyes, and he realized that he had to deliver an answer. And, as all grownups do in such circumstances to alleviate the concerns of a growing mind, he shook the head and constructively stated:

“You are too young to understand. One day I will explain to you, but now, let’s go to Luini to fetch our panzerotti!”

We cannot gage to what measure that answer satisfied Giselle, but something extraordinary happen at that moment. Giselle learned that appearances are not necessarily mirrored by reality and even Professor Federico’s life, while wonderful on the surface, carried a dark side. She learned that happiness comes from the depth of one’s feelings. Happiness was not linked to a luxurious home, professional success, and social status. “Perhaps”, she thought, “I have not seen the face of happiness since I left grandma with her grunts, or uncle Borysko’s arched eyebrows while checking my homework, or the fiddler revitalized tapping while scanning my steps. Perhaps, this is what uncle Borysko meant when he said that I should give beauty to the world. It is the beauty of kindness that he was talking about.” Suddenly, Giselle felt rich, more than anyone around her, she felt that her chest was too tiny to let in the fresh new air, the breezes of gratitude, the desire to reciprocate, the joy of giving. And she squeezed tightly Professor Federico’s hand.

From that day on, Giselle nurtured a maternal attitude toward the Professor. In a role reversal, she began to defend his silence against those who did not know how to listen; in particular, she resisted the insensitive choices of Mrs. Maria and gradually, gained an influential role in the family mediating difficult conversations with her calm yet determined demeanor.

Surprisingly, Mrs. Maria welcomed Giselle’s confidence. Being a person of little feelings, she governed her dealings according to logic rather than empathy. So, she much preferred the constructive interchanges with Giselle over the inscrutable silence of a weak husband. Soon, those discussions between the two ladies of the house rose to a cherished routine that kept both busy and even amused. Thus, by logical reasoning, Giselle opened a door into Mrs. Maria’s heart, who dangled upon her to translate into words her husbands’ clandestine feelings. Gradually, theater and friends became less essential for Mrs. Maria compared to Federico’s parents and siblings.

Among the various changes dictated by the new Giselle, was the preference to introduce into family conversations Italian or English rather than Russian, a change that helped of course the debating skills of Professor Federico.

So, it was many years later that Giselle, who just turned fifteen, stated in Italian during dinner:

“I do not want to become a professional ballerina. I want to become a doctor. I want to be a surgeon like my dad.”

By then, Giselle had elected on her own to call Professor Federico and Mrs. Maria, Dad and Mom respectively.

Mrs. Maria looked up at Professor Federico, who reciprocated with a defensive smile and questioning eyebrows.

At fifteen Giselle was performing regularly in the corps de ballet and was given also soloist roles. Madame Petrova already had started to treat her as the one who will become a principal ballerina and already pulled her connections to identify a place for Giselle to perform in smaller cities around Milan to become known. Cities like Parma, that were small but breathed the sound of music. Cities where the stars are born.

Therefore, Giselle’s comment poured on the two parents like rain on a sunny day.

“But Madame thinks that you have a great future ahead, that you are made to become a great ballerina. What made you change your mind?” Said Mrs. Maria.

“I never wanted to be a ballerina, it was decided for me by others since I was born, and I did my best, but I never really wanted to become one. I think that it is risky. Others chose a safer path, none in my school wants to be anything like a ballerina. All doctors, engineers, teachers. I like what dad is doing. I think I can do it. I like going to the University with him. I like it and it is useful.”

Who could argue with that logic? And truthfully, that was what both had been thinking from the day Giselle entered their life. Ballerina was a good dream, it offered a purpose and a way to integrate in the new life. Giselle was right; now that she was perfectly adapted to the Milanese life, more substantive propositions should be considered. Besides, both parents felt strongly that Giselle had the right to choose her on future.

Thus, Mrs. Maria said:

“Giselle, this is your choice, but what do you want to do now? Do you really want to quit ballet? Do you think that you cannot continue anymore? Is it too time consuming? Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Just wanted to give the heads up, I can continue ballet for now, school is good, and I manage homework. But after high school I will go medical school.”

Then, with a supportive smile, Professor Federico swerved the conversation to other topics.

***

…But Giselle addressed the wrong audience. She did not consider destiny, whose attitude is far less malleable than the bidding of adoring parents, and other events out of her control were about to occur that would turn her into a most famous performer.

Continued in: There is no such thing as everlasting love